The shamefully antiquated conversation on rape…

rjha clickOne reason rape has traditionally not been discussed openly in India is the sense that it is something dirty, out of bounds for polite conversation, something that must not breach the perimeter of genteel society. This is part of the same culture that pushes women’s issues underground, stemming from a mentality that looks at women as either “devi” or slut. So pervasive is this influence that even writing about sexual violence, either physical or verbal, can take getting used to. One is worried more about the details sounding risque than about cataloging the crime.Therefore, one is forced to concede that when it comes to women’s issues, the gulf between the “intellectual” man and the man on the street is not as deep as one would like.

Listen to the conversations that are happening around you. In spite of the media focus on rape after the recent incidents, the conversation on rape continues to be so shamefully archaic. In India, at any rate, it is so easy to confuse literacy with education. The causal link between increased literacy and a change in attitudes is easily assumed. The only way out of a baleful social order, we are repeatedly told, is through the vaunted alleys of learning. Much stress is laid on its mind-expanding role. We often hear activists say that the politics of rape cannot be divorced from the lived reality of gender in India, and that unless more people are educated, no magnitude of protests is likely to change things on the ground. The truth is different.

When one brings up the support that the Shakti Mills rape victim received from her husband, even young, educated men come up with phrases like “That is so brave of him”. Insinuations about consent in the Tarun Tejpal case are bandied about. Women in today’s India can become lovers, but they are still, at best, accoutrements to men’s lives. Their presence is slotted into neat categories, premised on their willingness to switch from companion to wife to mother to …  but always as the other.

It is as if the architecture of common sense is entirely male-dominated, and the woman, with her purported charms and chameleon-like sensuality, must locate herself on the fringes. After the Delhi protests and the recommendations of the Justice J S Verma committee, there was a moment when it seemed as though real change was in the offing.

The victim’s name was not revealed in the papers and the traditional reporting format diverged considerably from the easy way it had hitherto accommodated patriarchy. No more would unfounded assumptions find their way into news reports. The narrator’s gaze would no longer automatically focus on the woman as the mother/sister, in which case she deserved to be protected, or the seductress, in which case the sly connotation was “just deserts”.

So far, so good. But recent incidents show us a more pernicious face of gender discrimination: one that slips through in spite of the presence of all the (suspect) markers of gender sensitivity, including education. My erstwhile boss, always one to vouch for women’s rights, would speak charitably about the issue now becoming part of drawing-room conversations.

Sexual chatter and innuendo directed at women in workplaces, on the streets, in colleges that have traditionally been par for the course, he would say, would no more be allowed. People are forced to reconsider their assumptions, he gushed, when the issue reaches critical mass, as it did after the December 16 gang rape in Delhi.

Beware the “educated” man who thinks he is on women’s side. On one occasion, a student who was going to join an international airline as a stewardess asked the boss if she looked the part. In return, she was offered some blunt, offensive comments about her body, couched as praise for her “assets”.

When I learnt of this incident, my first instinct was to confront the boss. But experience told me that he would silkily distinguish his comments from his politics as the handiwork of a liberated, smooth-talking flirt. The student left for her job and the incident was forgotten.

 Which is the thing. How do we, as a society, raise our voices against a crime that is so vast and variegated? Where do we draw the line between acceptance and offence? Further, is there a mental barrier that some “liberated” men cross that convinces them that they are now “feminists” free to act in abysmal ways?

Must not one’s behavior — and the Tejpal case brings to light the shocking truth of this — stand up to scrutiny time and time again and find no opportunity to hide behind politics and a misplaced self-assurance in the rightness of that politics? A few lines i would like to add on behalf of all girls..i am known to…

मैने बेटी बन जन्म लीया,Rape victims-1511930
मोहे क्यों जन्म दीया मेरी माँ
जब तू ही अधूरी सी थी!
तो क्यों अधूरी सी एक आह को जन्म दीया,
मै कांच की एक मूरत जो पल भर मै टूट जाये,
मै साफ सा एक पन्ना जिस् पर पल मे धूल नजर आये,
क्यों ऐसे जग मै जनम दीया, मोहे क्यों जनम दीया मेरी माँ,
क्यों उंगली उठे मेरी तरफ ही, क्यों लोग ताने मुझे ही दे
मै जित्ना आगे बढ़ना चाहू क्यों लोग मुझे पिछे खीचे!
क्यों ताने मे सुनती हू माँ,मोहे क्यों जन्म दीया मेरी माँ?

(Source:- rediff.com, facebook)

Why I Love You…???

You give to me hope
And help me to cope
When life pulls me down
You bring me around

You teach me to care
And help me to share
You make me honest
With kindness the best

From you I learned love
With grace from above
It’s for you I live
And I want to give

You are the reason
That fills each season
When I hear love I think of you
You are my world and best friend too

I love you because you are so kind, thoughtful and caring
I love you because you are so pleasant, lovely and sharing

You made me the man I am
Thank you

“A Bitch Remains A Bitch”

You held me at your side

And kissed me on the cheek

My heart was held by chains

Till it refused to beat.

You filthy, cheating Liar,

You are nothing but a fake

I can’t believe you’d do this

You knew what was at stake.

So my friendship wasn’t worth it?

My heart was just a game?

This is all just Bull Shit

You and your Fucking Name.

You are laughing and you are flying,

You think you have the right?

I’m broken and I’m crying,

Not sleeping through the night.

He thought you were the greatest,

Not just a best friend,

But I know what your fate is,

This shit has got to end.

I’m writing you a letter,

This is my last goodbye,

He’ll shove it in your face,

And try hard not to cry.

Good luck with who you are,

And where you go in life,

And even if you are far,

Just know i was right,

You are worthless and pathetic,

I hope you will cry tonight.

So go and find your real man,

Get wasted and get Fucked

Hey, it can’t be that bad, “

your life’s the one that sucks.

Because you are a bitch

And “A Bitch Remains A Bitch”

The journey ended in a trauma (Part -1)

Today after all these long years when I look back, I can’t find anyone to blame for the disasters occurred in my life other than me. But at the same time somehow my conscience doesn’t hold me responsible for those untoward incidents, which still haunt me day and night like a ghost. After all, I never wanted the things to unfold in the manner they did and slowly and steadily, only now I can imagine, I kept on losing my control on my own life. It wasn’t like that I never tried to rectify my mistakes throughout these years but somehow I felt helpless and something held me treading the right path (as preached by our parents and elders when we grow up). I always felt like a rudderless ship that submits before wind struggling fiercely trying to carve out a distinct path to reach desired destination.

So here I am..!!! It’s 2:45 a.m. and I am still struggling to regain the sleep once broken due to some uneasy dream. My mind is aimlessly wondering as usual since then and body rolling over on bed with muttering sound….. I feel like silence is killing me from inside and hinting that I am a finished chapter inching towards a traumatic end. But an innocent boy inside me – who came to Delhi loaded with dreams few years back – takes account of every misdeeds that led to my downfall and repeatedly ask, “is this the end I deserved?” Oh common! What the fuck I am thinking! Good guy, bad guy……. I thought these words were no longer part of my dictionary. Then what happened to me tonight, why I am forging into deadly past smirking over what went wrong in my stinking life. Oh now I got it … I didn’t finish my quota of liquor I had bought this evening. How could I do this to me? (I don’t exactly remember the last time when I stopped myself before consuming entire bottle of 100 piper’s whisky; but surprisingly, I fell asleep after having a peg or two this evening which is not a case with me anymore these days.) How can I disgrace a vital element of my life like this? Throughout these years, it is the same bottle which held me as a companion and never let me down at a time when everybody deserted me.

The rolled over empty whisky bottles on the floor of my room, left-overs of cigarettes and used bottle of sleeping pills welcome people who enter my room and give them a message that I am still alive and engaged in my usual business. Although there are not too many who visit my house regularly these days, except my maid, the milkman and the newspaper vendor. Among all of them only my maid “Geeta” seems too much concerned about my condition and other two guys just don’t bother about my “fucking” life style. One can understand why the maid is so much bothered as the poor lady has to clean my puke every morning she turns up. As she has done in the past innumerable times cleaning my shit and simultaneously mumbling with angst, this morning is no different for her. Somehow, she mustered some courage to vent out some anger at me in the form of an unexpected “fucking” question..”Bhaiya Aap Itna kyu pite ho?” (Brother, why do you drink so much?) I was taken by aback and at the same time thinking who the hell is she to ask me such question or for that matter any question? After all, all these years life has taught me how to run away from relationships and get confined to my own disgusted boundaries where no one can peep through and try to mend my ways. But, I don’t know why this rare act of my maid has jeer out the old wound I always tried to hide from the eyes of the world.

TO BE CONTINUED………………………Keep Reading

A letter to ‘Jiju’ Robert Vadra… From Rahul Gandhi

These days news channel become a reality shows channel, or in other words, so called “SAS BAHU” serial channel. Robert Vadra case, Salman khurshid cases on full swing. Open any news channel either Hindi or English only these cases are on AIR. Today evening when I start my new channel, I saw one line was flashing that Mr. Robert Vadra got a clean cheat on Haryana Land issue. I am writing this letter on behalf of Rahul Gandhi to Robert Vadra. This is just an imagination and for fun purpose only. While writing this letter I didn’t mean to object or point out any one for any corruption.

DEAR JIJU,

I couldn’t resist myself from writing this letter, though secretly, to congratulate you on being given a clean chit from our very own Hooda uncle. Oops … I mean from the very able and prompt Haryana government. Other states, judiciary and investigative agencies must learn a lesson or two from Hooda uncle on how to pursue a case related to scams involving top-notch businessmen and politicians. Kudos to Haryana officials! They have set a precedent to be followed by the rest of the country. Bro, I really liked the manner in which Hooda uncle reacted to the investigation order given by some random IAS officer against you in the DLF land deal – let me recall the poor chap’s name …ummmm … Khemka. Mummy Ji is quite impressed with Hooda uncle the way he dealt with all these issues. Believe me all those who have supported us through these difficult times will be appreciated by Mummy Ji after 2014 general elections, if we return to power.

Jiju, as you know, I hardly write anything these days as Mummy Ji doesn’t want me to spend time on petty things. And somewhere she is right, why should I waste my time doing things which have nothing to do with the common man? Ultimately the common man will help me realize Mummy Ji and Digvijay uncle’s dream to see me as the next prime minister of India. As far as writing is concerned, I have a specialized team of content writers looking after my speeches and other stuffs. But you know sometimes even they write something which doesn’t make any sense at least for myself. Bro, do you remember my last year’s speech on Lokpal Bill in Lok Sabha. Somehow, I managed to read out the lengthy speech. Touchwood, nobody from the opposition sensed that I myself was not clear on several points made in that speech. Only some of my close friends, Mummy Ji, sis Priyanka , and you, who know my knowledge base and capability, guessed that day that the speech was not mine. Jiju, I too realized later on that one should really check the facts and prepare thoroughly before delivering speech, especially in the Parliament.

After that Lokpal speech mockery, I don’t believe on somebody else’s written piece. And this time around, I could not have sought someone’s help in drafting this letter as it pertains to our family affairs after all. Bro, you must have seen BJP leaders are coming all guns blazing and criticizing the central government during their speeches in Gujarat and Himachal Pradesh. Your guess is half right. Elections are around the corner but not the General election of 2014 as you perceive. These will be assembly elections in both the states. How can a political savvy person like you forget that! Well, I can understand you have your own serious issues to deal with.

Jiju, remember Mummy Ji’s words of wisdom. She always says ignore the critics as long as you can and after some time they get tired and shut their mouth. And the best part is people tend to forget. Bro, I am in Mandi, Himachal, to address an election rally. You must be a worried man thinking why I am writing this letter and what stopped me from calling you using my latest Samsung Galaxy S III that we had bought last month from Khan Market. Don’t take unnecessary tension. All is well…I haven’t lost my phone. There is some network problem I guess. I have been trying your number since morning but can’t get through. I will check with Manmohan Ji if the cancellation of 2G licences has anything to do with it.

Today, I am very happy for you and so will be my dear sis as all news channels have been running the news ‘how you have emerged taintless’ in this DLF case. Bro, I was hopeful from the very beginning but that obstinate IAS officer made me feel little worried in between, but the way things have gone was something I couldn’t have imagined. Till date I was thinking that there is a handful of people in Delhi only who are concerned about Gandhi Parivar’s reputation but Hooda uncle has proved me wrong and shown that how much loyal he is towards Gandhi family. Jiju, don’t mind I am using the word ‘Gandhi family’ again and again. I know being a ‘Vadra boy’ you too have built some reputation over the years. But, you will agree that falling in love with a ‘Gandhi girl’ was the best thing happened to you. So, as Mummy Ji says, let’s take a pledge that we will do everything in our capacity to salvage the reputation of the Gandhi family. Because I am a young budding politician, as everyone believes, I can sense how the opposition parties will react to the news of you being given clean chit and that is so early. You must not give attention to what the BJP says on this. We must take heart from the latest scandal involving Nitin Gaddkari Ji as it will divert people’s attention from us. And one thing I forgot to tell you that I got to know from Digvijay Ji that Gadkari Ji is not willing to come to Delhi from Nagpur. We can empathize with Gadkari Ji as we saw in Khurshid Ji’s case how these media guys made his life tough.

 Until last week, I was very annoyed with the media as they were targeting you, our family and our loyal leader Khurshid Ji but angst has been evaporated now because they are no more running our stories after catching a big fish in form of Gadkari Ji. Bro, though I am happy for you but at the same time feeling sad for Gadkari Ji. Believe me he is a nice man. Can’t God see what’s been happening to nice guys on this earth? Yesterday only, a US court has given 2-year imprisonment to Rajat Gupta, who also happened to be a good man as per people’s conviction. You know what while announcing the verdict the judge said that Gupta is a good guy who went terribly wrong, and the history is full of such instances where good men did wrong things. As a good man yourself, don’t you think that nice people should be allowed to be engaged in some kind of trivial ‘herapheri’. I strongly believe so. Now coming back to how good a man Gadkari Ji is. I consider it as my good luck that I got an opportunity to know Gadkari Ji as a person. I was invited to attend his younger son’s marriage few months back, and Bro, to my surprise he was taking caring of all guests himself and making sure that they are served with all the available deserts. It was a real big fat wedding just like Gadkari Ji himself. Can you imagine a person of his stature serving food to his guests himself! That spoke a volume about his personality. And this was the reason why I am not surprised to see the reports which say that he has made driver, gardener, priest and servant directors in his companies. I know he has got a big heart.

 Jiju, one more thing, I must tell you that be aware of that ‘mango man’ Kejriwal because he will come out criticizing Hooda Ji and our family all over again. Just ignore him. Dude, take care of your health and hit the gym regularly. You know stress can lead to obesity as doctors believe. And you know my sis won’t like you putting on weight because you are the only one in our family having six-pack abs. I hope someday you will flaunt your hot-body on ramp and if possible during ‘Fashion Week’. J-o-k-i-n-g, Bro.

Now that everything seems to be settling down, you should re-open your Facebook account. And mark my words, this time don’t pay any heed to the comments made by the ‘mango people’.

Trully Your’s,

Rahul

(Special Thanks to Mr. Mithilesh Jha for providing Such a wonderful Letter, This letter is a copy of Merinews.com published article.)

Emotional Independence…

In my last post about emotional independence, I mentioned that it has no less value than financial independence, but few of my readers and followers took it wrongly. Let me tell them that emotional independence is necessary but not at the cost mental trauma. We, “At the start of our life and when we get older, we need the support and love of others. Tactlessly, between these two periods of our life-cycle  when we are strong and able to look after ourselves, we don’t appreciate the value of love and compassion. As our own life begins and ends with the need for love, wouldn’t it be better if we gave compassion and love to others while we are strong and talented?” It is very snooping to see that we are proud of our emotional independence. Obviously, it’s not pretty like that: we continue needing others our whole life, but it is an “embarrassment” to show that, so we prefer to cry in hiding or pretend like emotional independent. And when someone asks us for help, that person is measured weak and unable of governing his feelings.

There is an unwritten rule saying that “the world is for the strong”, that “only the fittest survive.” If it were like that, human beings would never have existed, because they are part of a species that needs to be protected for a long period of time (specialists say that we are only capable of surviving on our own after nine years of age, whereas a giraffe takes only six to eight months, and a bee is already independent in less than five minutes).

We are in this world, I, for my part, continue – and will always continue – depending on others. I depend on my parents, my publishers, my friends and my followers. I depend even on my enemies, who help me to be always trained in the use of the sword. Clearly, there are moments when this fire blows in another direction, but I always ask myself: where are the others? Have I isolated myself too much? Like any healthy person, I also need solitude and moments of reflection. But I cannot get addicted to that. Emotional independence leads to absolutely nowhere – except to a would-be fortress, whose only and useless objective is to impress others. Emotional dependence, in its turn, is like a bonfire that we light. In the beginning, relationships are difficult. In the same way that fire is necessary to put up with the disagreeable smoke – which makes breathing hard, and causes tears to pour down one’s face. However, once the fire is alight, the smoke disappears and the flames light up everything around us – spreading warmth, calm, and possibly making an ember pop out to burn us, but that is what makes a relationship interesting, isn’t that true?…

A letter to my all reads..

Dear Readers,

Let me began with “Thank You” for liking my post and writing nos of mails. I am sorry as I couldn’t reply few of them. Friends, This is an endless discussion topic.. as much you, me or somebody else will think on it, that much we will get to know  more new things about it. Hence my conclusion to finish this discussion on the same is if we need help, or support of others we should ask for that. At the first we need to change our thoughts then other will think of it. Let we decide that we won’t think that other person is weak or emotional dependent if he/she asks for help or support.

My First fiction Book is on arrival “Journey of Life : Life in a metro city”  and at the same time the most awaited probably my last article on life and relationship would be posted. Keep visiting and reading my blog.

Once again Thank you for reading this, I had a great time writing my first letter to all of my readers.

Regards,

Raghubar Jha
Raghubar.jha@gmail.com
My Readers can now follow me on Social Networking Site as well…
Skype:- raghubar.jha1
Gtalk:- raghubar1@gmail.com

Darling, do you still love me as much you did?

“When a man loves a woman, he can’t keep his mind on nothing else.” (Percy Sledge)

Last night I met one of my friends after 6-7 years. Actually I was not it touch with her because of her attitude and rude behavior, we did our schooling together and were a good and close friend till college time. She was in love with a guy and that guy was by one the best friend of mine since childhood. Later on I turned in to business and my social life almost ruined because of hectic schedule in work and meeting. I stopped taking phone calls, replying mail and meeting friends and family members. When my crucial time started, as I fallen in love with a girl and we got separated I started feeling very lonely and loneliness was killing me day by day. I started finding my college mates and other friends.

Last evening I received a call from her and she wanted to meet me at a restaurant and that restaurant was nearby my home so I accepted her invitation to meet her. Later on she requested me to come bit early as she wanted to chat something personally I called her at home and said my parents are here if you have time then meet them they will be happy to see you after long time. After meeting my parents and basic formality of gesturing we started for dinner place. While I was driving for the destination she told me that her boyfriend always asks a stupid question, Do You Still Love Me as Much as You Did, Darling?  I laughed and inquired her what if she wants to move on wanted to leave him? But she denied all my suspects and said she is happy with him but such kind of question is ruing relationship between them.

People often talk about the intensity of their emotions: they tell us that their anger is overwhelming, that they feel extremely sad, or that they are madly in love. Despite this common usage, the concept of “emotional intensity” is complex, since it applies to different phenomena, not all of which are commensurable.

The diverse features of emotional passion are expressed in two basic aspects: magnitude (peak intensity) and temporal structure (mainly, duration). Duration can vary dramatically with comparable levels of peak intensity. In one study, participants rated the positive emotion associated with having “someone you find attractive suggest you meet for coffee” as almost as high as the emotion experienced after “saving your neighbour’s child from a car accident.” However, the average estimated duration associated with the former was twenty minutes, whereas for the latter it was more than five hours. Similarly, respondents estimated that they would stop ruminating about the coffee suggestion after about two hours, whereas the experience of the car accident would lead to rumination for about a week.

Ordinary people often measure emotional intensity. We measure the intensity of the same emotion experienced at different times and directed at two different people (“I love you more than I have loved any other woman before”), or the same emotion that other people have felt at different times (“You used to love me more than you do now”). We may also compare the intensity of different emotions in the same person (“Because of my great love for you, I manage to control my anger”) or the same emotion in different people (“This person loves his wife more than she loves him”).

Measuring emotional intensity is done by comparison with similar states and by finding certain features whose changes are typically correlated with intensity changes of the whole state. Instability, the felt intensity, and types of behavior may be such features. Thus, reference to the feeling dimension is important in measuring the intensity of our own emotions, but not that of others. In the latter case, behavioral manifestations are more important.

Emotional intensity is determined by several variables that may be divided into two major groups, one referring to the perceived impact of the event eliciting the emotional state and the other to background circumstances of the agents involved in the emotional state. The major variables constituting the event’s impact are the strength, reality, and relevance of the event; the major variables constituting the background circumstances are accountability, readiness, and deservingness.

The event’s strength is a major variable in determining the intensity of the emotional encounter. It refers, for example, to the extent of our perception of our beloved’s attractiveness and virtues and in the case of envy, to our perceived inferiority. A positive correlation usually exists between the strength of the perceived event and emotional intensity: the stronger the event, the more intense the emotion; thus the more attractive the beloved, the stronger the love.

The more we perceive the event as real, the more intense the emotion. The notion of “emotional reality” has an ontological sense referring to whether the event actually exists, and an epistemological sense, referring to its vividness. Emotional intensity is greatest when an event is real in both senses. The ontological sense is more important in love than in sexual desire, since love involves a more profound relationship. People can be sexually attracted to their partners while fantasizing about someone else; people cannot really love their partners while constantly fantasizing about others. Accordingly, vividness is more significant in sexual desire.

The variable of relevance restricts the emotional impact to areas that are particularly significant for our well-being. Although love involves the care for the beloved, love cannot fully be separated from considerations of our own well-being. The reciprocal nature of romantic love indicates the importance of this variable to love. In sexual desire, the well-being of the object is of lesser importance, and the relevance for our own good feeling and particularly for our self-esteem is very crucial.

Responsibility (or accountability) refers to the nature of the agency generating the emotional encounter. Major issues relevant here are: (a) degree of controllability, (b) invested effort, and (c) intent. The greater the degree of controllability there was, the more effort we invested, and the more intended the result was, the more significant the event usually is and the greater the emotional intensity it generates. Thus, frustration is intensified if we attribute a failure to ourselves and if we have invested a lot of effort in trying to succeed.

Our past control over events that have generated love and sexual desire are typically insignificant, since these emotions focus on the present situation, and retrospective considerations are of less relevance. Our effort has some role in generating love and sexual desire. If a person seems unattainable these emotions are stronger. Accordingly, “playing hard to get” is a most effective strategy for attracting a partner.

Readiness refers to the cognitive change in our mind; major factors in this regard are unexpectedness (or anticipation) and uncertainty. Since emotions are generated at the time of sudden change, unexpectedness is typical of emotions and is usually positively correlated with their intensity, at least up to a certain point.

The variables of readiness are more important in sexual desire than in love. Indeed, mystery is more significant in sexual desire. Nevertheless, unexpectedness and uncertainty do play some role in long-term romantic love. Their role is to help us realize that despite the close relation with the beloved, this person is not part of our furniture; the beloved is an independent agent who cannot be taken for granted.

The perceived deservingness (fairness) of our situation or that of others is of great importance in determining the emotional significance of a certain event. The variable of deservingness also plays an important role in love and sexual desire. When people think that their partner does not deserve them, their love and sexual desire will be reduced, and they are likely to look for extramarital affairs.

To sum up, even though it may seem impossible to measure emotional intensity, in practice we often do this in everyday life. Your feeling that your beloved loves you less now than she did a year ago can be substantiated-often without too much difficulty.

Special Thanks to psychology today’s editorial team for helping me in this.